


Rooftop Shenanigans

by Thoughtstream



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
Genre: Chimichangas, Comic and Movie universes together, Daily Bugle, Deadpool Just Wants to Hang out with Spider-Man, Deadpool being Deadpool, Deadpool calls Peter "Pedro", Deadpool is kind of omniscient?, I just wanted to write some Deadpool, I make lots of references, Is this comicbook Deadpool or MCU Deadpool? Both because Deadpool, One Shot, Peter Parker is so confused, Post-Deadpool (2016), Post-Spider-Man: Homecoming, Random Encounters, Rooftop Shenanigans, Selfies, Spider-Man: Homecoming Spoilers, Spidey Sense, Taser webs, This is me attempting to write humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-06
Updated: 2017-08-06
Packaged: 2018-12-12 05:46:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11730732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thoughtstream/pseuds/Thoughtstream
Summary: Deadpool really wants to meet the new Spider-Man after watching Spider-Man: Homecoming, just to, you know, compare stories and take selfies and stuff! Peter of course has no idea what's going on or why this man in a red suit is talking like the energizer bunny on speed. This is just a fun, hopefully funny, snapshot moment.





	Rooftop Shenanigans

             **My muse is a fickle, fickle creature. I've been very stuck on a chapter of my other fic and suddenly inspiration strikes! But not to continue my other story, no, it's to write a completely unrelated Spider-Man/Deadpool caper. But I wrote it anyway, because I've always wanted to write Deadpool and I had some comments to make about Spider-Man: Homecoming that Deadpool is a great vehicle for. I don't attempt to write humor very often and Deadpool's brand of humor is very random, so while I think it turned out well... You can let me know what you think in the comments.**

 

            “Finally! I was getting so tired of sitting on this beam, you have no idea. It’s so good to meet you!”

            “The pleasure is mine, shadowy red figure that I can’t really see…” Peter squints at the person emerging from behind a pile of construction materials on the rooftop. The building is supposed to be empty. Construction’s over for the day and there aren’t any cars left in the lot. So who is this guy and what’s he doing here?

            Peter casually shifts towards the edge of the roof, just in case he needs to make a quick exit. “Look, I don’t know who you are or why you’re up here but—”

            “It’s okay Pedro, chill. I’m not evil, I promise! Chaotic neutral maybe, but hey at least I won’t go out of my way to break any laws, right? It’s only if the laws are already in my way that I have a problem with them.”

            “What?”

            “Never mind. I just wanted to come see your hood, swap some stories, debate whose onscreen burial in a collapsing building was better… I mean, I think I get bonus points for being brutally impaled _before_ the building collapsed. Plus everything was on fire; it was much more dramatic in the lighting department! But I might have to give this one to you for the acting performance. Totally gut-wrenching. For a second I was like, man this kid is going to die here, isn’t he? But nah, you’re Spider-Man, rubble alone can’t stop you! At least not when the writers are stretching your luck. Which they definitely were. I mean what are the chances that you don’t get impaled or have a limb severed or something? Or does the lack of injury imply that your skin is actually an exoskeleton, a la spider? That’d be pretty cool. Creepy too though. I’ve gotta say, they really didn’t do a good job explaining your powers. But hey, no scars for you! Mostly because audiences don’t really approve of disfiguring teenagers. Middle-aged men however obviously—”

            Thwap.

            “Mmmm mmmph?” He manages to sound miffed beneath the layer of webbing now coating his head.

            “Nothing personal, it’s just… Man you don’t even pause for breath. And you also don’t make any sense. What do you mean audience? Who _are_ you? I mean right now my best guess is that you’re a former circus clown who escaped a psych ward.” But a former circus clown who somehow knew that Toomes had nearly killed him. Which no one except Toomes should have known.

            Peter zooms in on the figure while he’s speaking and finds a man dressed in a red suit not dissimilar from his own but with more black around the eyes and small white eye holes in the shape of a normal human eye. He’s wearing a thick belt with numerous pouches around his waist and… holy crap, are those leg holsters?  How many guns does he have? And what’s on his back?

            The figure moves so quickly Peter doesn’t have time to react. He reaches over his shoulder, draws a surprisingly elegant sword and plunges it into his own head.

            “No!” Peter swings over to his side. Amazingly the man is still on his feet. In fact he’s plunging his hands into the hole he’s sliced in the webbing and is peeling it from his head. Peter stares, morbidly fascinated, as blood pours from the slit he’s cut through his own mouth. The stream fades to nothing incredibly quickly as the man coughs and spits the last of his blood onto the concrete.

            “That was so rude. And how exactly was I supposed to answer your questions? Gotta think these things through Pedro. The nice criminal told you that: you’ve got to get better at this part of the job.”

            Peter stares at him. “You are… How do you even know about that guy? No one knows about that. Except maybe Mr. Stark, but you’re definitely not…”

            “Oh no. Me and Tony do _not_ get along. There’s only room for one drama queen per saga. And obviously I don’t approve of the whole “let’s use technology to spy on people” arc. Baby monitor protocol; give me a break! People need their unicorn time and nobody else needs to know about it!”

            The man in red finishes pulling the bloodstained webbing from his head and drops it to the rooftop. He sticks a finger in the new jagged tear in his mask. “I should have you sew this up for me. God knows Al won’t want to do it.”

            “How are you okay right now? You stabbed yourself in the head and you’re not even bleeding anymore.”

            “Let’s just say me and my cancer came to an agreement. It refuses to let me die, I refuse to let that stop me from trying.”

            “Cancer doesn’t work like… Wait, are you saying you want to die?”

            “Death is a beautiful woman, Pedro. And I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to be with her. But in the MCU I have my own live smoking hot babe, so it’s a little up for debate.”

            “Are you just messing with me? Are you another one of Tony’s tests? Because I’m telling you, I’m doing exactly what I’m supposed to be doing!” He shouts that part on the off  chance Tony is listening in.

            “Oh no, I’m serious as a heart attack.” The man clutches at his heart and pretends to stumble across the roof. Peter doesn’t react.

            “Fine, fine don’t laugh, I’m sure one of the readers is amused. Not as amused as they’d be if they could actually see this, but hey they’ll have to take what they can get.”

            “Seriously, who _are_ you?”

            “I’m Deadpool!” Deadpool bows. “Winner of the Weapon X program’s genetic lottery!”

            “What’d you win? The ability to talk your enemies to death?”

            “I’m hurt, Pedro. A lot of people get paid to put words in this mouth!”

            “Which one of them is paying you to call me Pedro? Because I’ll double what they’re giving you if you’ll stop.”

            “Tempting. Unfortunately zero times two is still zero. This writer’s only it for the fun of it. I just thought you’d appreciate a codename. I mean your identity is supposed to be secret isn’t it? Not that you’re very good at keeping it. I mean there’s Aunt May, Ned, Tony Stark, Happy, Mr. Toomes… And of course all of Earth 1218 knows but they’re only using you for your story arcs, so that’s pretty harmless.”

            “You could just call me Spider-man. It’s that easy.”

            “But where’s the fun in that, Pedro?”

            “How do you know who I am? How do you know _who_ knows who I am?? Aunt May would kill me if she knew that Ned knew.”

            “Oh don’t go all interrogation mode on me, I’ve just seen your movie! And mine. And of course all of Wolverine’s… He only gets better with age. Like a fine wine. Haven’t seen Hulk’s though. All of the reviews say they’re garbage.”

            “Okay but I’m not _in_ a movie. I’m not an actor. I’m just…"

  
            “Our friendly neighborhood Spider-man! Sure. On this Earth anyway.”

           Peter puts his palm on his forehead. “Right, so either you’re insane or you came here from the future because we definitely don’t have an Earth 1218 lying around at the moment.”

          “Nope, the only voices I hear in my head are mine; I’m 97% sure of it. And you’d have to talk to Flash if you want time travel. Wait, is that a spoiler? Um… forget I said that, okay? I’m just more aware than your average superhero.” Deadpool wiggles his fingers in the air. “Phenomonologically skilled! Not that that particular talent has helped me out much. Although it did help me find you!”

          “And why did you want to find me?”

          “Oh I just wanted to finally meet you! And I kinda…” Deadpool scuffs his feet on the rooftop. “Wanted to get a picture with you. Selfie? With me? Please?”

          “Um…”

          “Pretty please?”

          Peter sighs.  “Fine. No touching the mask though. Actually no touching me at all. I have Taser webs.”

          “Like you know how to use those.” Deadpool chuckles and reaches out to poke Peter.

          Peter shoots Deadpool in the chest with a Taser web. Deadpool falls to the rooftop twitching and still laughing.

          “Man you must’ve actually passed the training this time. Is Karen back again too?”

          “That’s none of your business. Look, are you going to keep my identity a secret?”

          “Of course! I wouldn’t betray a fellow superhero!”

           He sounds indignant and for some reason, Peter actually believes him.

           “And you’ll leave me alone after I let you take this picture?”

           Deadpool climbs to his feet. “Do I have to?”

           “Look I still don’t really know who you are or what you’re doing and you’re covered in weapons and you’re honestly lucky I haven’t called Happy and sicked Iron Man on you yet. So yes, I’d prefer it if you left me alone.”

           Deadpool sighs dramatically. “Finnnnne.”

           Then he bounces towards Peter. “Okay, picture time! Smile!”

           Deadpool pulls a pink Polaroid camera from a pouch and holds it out at arm’s length. Peter leans in very slightly and smiles under the mask in spite of himself as it clicks. The camera whirs loudly as the picture slowly prints.

           Deadpool waves the picture through the air, squints at it, then clutches the picture to his chest. “My dream has come true! What the Daily Bugle wouldn’t give for this!”

          “So… are you good now?”

          “Um actually can you point me in the direction of that sandwich shop? Delrio’s or whatever?”

          “Delmar’s?” Peter’s not sure he can sound more bewildered at this point.

          “Yeah that one! The promise of the best sandwich in Queens got me really intrigued while I was watching. I need a taste of that number five!”

          “Well you’re out of luck. They haven’t reopened yet. I kind of… it kind of got destroyed, remember?”

          “Shit, you’re right. How long has it been since that happened anyway?”

          “Like a month… Are you sure you’re not from the future?”

           “Hey it’s not my fault they don’t like putting dates in movies!”

           “Well either way you can’t get that sandwich.”

           “Okay well how about somewhere with a good chimichanga?”

           “Uh I think there’s a place over on Jackson avenue…”

          “Sweet. Thanks Pedro! I have to say, you’re by far my favorite Spider-man. Way better than crying face or floofy hair, that’s for sure!”

          “Um, thanks?”

          “Keep up the good work little buddy! Everyone’s rooting for ya!”

          “Hey the stairs are that—!”

           Peter watches in horror as Deadpool leaps off the roof and hits the ground with a sickening crunch. Blood is pooling around him as Peter plunges down after him.

           “Oh my God are you…”

           Deadpool moans and sits up. Both of his legs are clearly broken. “Damn superhero landings. What, are everyone else’s bones made of concrete?”

           “That was seven stories…”

           “Seven stories I never want to hear again.” Deadpool chuckles, then stops. “Look you are _radiating_ concern and it’s concerning me. I’m fine, I’m not the fifteen year old running around in spandex. I’m thirty-six. That makes me… actually I don’t think this is proving my point. And I don’t have to prove anything to you anyway, because I’m old and you’re young and somehow that’s still acceptable logic. Ageism is alive and real.”

           Deadpool forces his legs back into place and waits a minute.

           “Do you want me to get you an aspirin… or maybe an ambulance?”

           “No, no, my body’s really good at going into shock actually. I’m just waiting for it to start hurting so I can stand up.”

           They both stare at Deadpool’s legs which are twitching and have already stopped bleeding.

           “Are you sure you have superpowers and not some kind of curse?”

           Deadpool laughs. “Questions like that are why I like you, kid. I think we choose, whether it’s a curse or a superpower. Mine’s a little more cursey than yours, but hey your secret skills are still a burden you have to carry. You should be plotting to get to first base, not to prevent arms deals.”

           “You sound like Aunt May. She says I should give it up.”

           “But you can’t, can you?”

           Peter looks away. “There’s no one else doing it, not here, not to protect the little guys. I can’t know I have these amazing abilities and not use them.”

           Deadpool shakes his head. “And you’re not even being paid. Man you lawful good characters have it rough.”

           “Hey I got a churro that one time.”

           “Next time ask for a chimichanga. I bet she’d have had a great recommendation.”

           Deadpool hauls himself to his feet and turns as if to leave. Suddenly he spins, sword drawn. Peter leaps out of the way, landing on the wall of the brick building beside them.

           “What the hell, Deadpool!?”

           “Ooo so you _can_ curse! Sorry, I just wanted to see if your spidey sense was a thing.”

           “Spidey sense?”

           “Yeah! That wasn’t the most scientific test though. No comic strip means no tell-tale wavy lines… I guess we’ll find out in the next movie? Maybe? Anyway, no harm, no foul right? See you around!”

           Deadpool takes off running down the sidewalk.

           Peter stares after him. “I kind of hope I don’t.”

           Karen finally speaks up. “Do you think he’s a threat?”

            “Karen, we’re not using instant kill, okay? I mean I’m not even sure instant kill would do anything to him. A normal person with two broken legs would probably bleed out without medical attention. He just jogged away...”

           “Fine. What do you think he meant about Flash?”

           “I have no idea. He was crazy. He thought we were in a movie or a comic book or something.”

           “But he knew things. Things no one should know.”

           “Yeah.” Peter swings to the top of the building again and watches Deadpool sprinting into the distance. “Luckily I don’t think anyone would believe him if he did try telling them what he knows.”

           “Perhaps we should track him anyway? I could direct you to that restaurant.”

           “No. I think we’ve had enough excitement for one day. I’ll let Happy know and leave it at that.”

           So Spider-man returned to his vigilant post. And Deadpool had a pretty dang good chimichanga in Queens . The end.

 

**Well. I hope that was as satisfying for you as it was for me. It was actually pretty tricky to write Deadpool and I hope I did him justice. There should be plenty of references to both their movies and their comics if you're decently well-versed in them! I even tried to make a subtle Spanish joke that may or may not have worked. So thanks for reading! Let me know what you thought of Spider-Man: Homecoming too (I liked it a lot but they really don't even try explaining what Peter's powers are... and the collapsing building scene did remind me a decent bit of Deadpool's!)! And for every comment and kudo you leave on this Deadpool receives another chimichanga :D**

 


End file.
